Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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