You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
