Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
