He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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