I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
