i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
