rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
