just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
