if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
