I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
two words...techno handjob
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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