She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
