can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
