last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Still dying that you shit outside
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
