All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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