I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
