Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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