i need an iv and a liver transplant
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
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