I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
