why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
