apparently the secret to your success is patron
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
