your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
