is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
And then he peed in my hair
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