I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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