I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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