mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
