You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
