today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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