Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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