Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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