hotel room ftw
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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