I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
