i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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