Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
