Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
