ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
