Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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