About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
zippers are such a cool invention
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
