Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
