im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize