I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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