im six kinds of drunk right now
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
