During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
