He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
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