Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
