Cold hands, warm shart.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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