I cannot find my penis.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
