Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
