My girlfriend figured out who you are.
You can't special order awesome
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
