she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
