Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
whose ass print is on the piano?
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Randomize
