Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
