life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
